Week 236

Saturday 3:28pm

Got hurt bad this morning. After around 7pm the thumping on my heart was so bad I could barely breath and it stayed on for about 6 hours. I decided to take it. I want the trip of my parents to come up to be a good one. At about 1 o’clock it went down and I was able to recover some. Now it’s 3pm and it’s been turned back up. I don’t know what for, I haven’t done anything. Why do these people come in and play gods. There answer is always the same. Turn it up.

Friday 11:22pm

Woken up again after not much sleep. And woken up this time. Before if I stirred a little bit, I’d be woken up, this time I was actually in a dream and woken. Yelling. Maybe, the worst pain I’ve felt yet. I went outside for a cigarette and yelled a few times and someone mocked me for it. Pretty sure he’s gay (no chastising him for it), but wanted to make a point that they’ll trick some of these people to be able to use them as tools. Watch them suffer and then come across as heros when they need them. The right thing is done through the mind, not the body.

Friday 1:21pm

Got woken up with a terrible pain in the privates again after five hours of sleep. Took it for an hour until it abated and was able to sleep again. Went to WalMart to get groceries and it gradually got worse and worse 90% of the time got attacked and didn’t know why. By end of it I was yelling in pain and right in front of people, at least he didn’t do it in front of the ladies, which I respected. Got home and he just kept it up and began to thunk my heart over and over. I’ve taken it this whole time and then play another game and just got killed again. No one talking or typing anything and I just got hit over and over. They do it when I get excited or enjoy myself, or need to concentrate. It’s that simple. I tried my best to hold off but they only look to try to get away with things. I am sorry. I held out for 13 hours and alot of pain. I did my best.

Wednesday 4pm

Just got killed playing a game today. The thumping on my heart became very intense whenever I need to concentrate.

Tuesday 10pm

They haven’t allowed me much sleep lately. If I stir a bit in my sleep I get woken up. Today I was woken up very painfully with numerous attacks to me genital region. About as bad as it’s ever been. I really needed the sleep though and I took the attacks. After about an hour the attacks began causing me to scream over and over again. I took them for three hours before I was finally able to go to sleep again. I can get hurt pretty bad when family or good people try to help. Searchlighters hide behind good will and realize their threats have more impact on people who actually want to make a difference. I will say it again: Do bad though Searchlight and you will NOT get good through me.

Monday 10:35

Five hours sleep, the effect of the drug still in me. Got woken up very painfully again. I had the locked changed and hadn’t been poisoned in weeks. It was very nice. Apparently though they found another keysmith and hacked my door. They probably have a key now and who knows how many copies. Searchlight, if you EVER, poison me again, I will bring hell on you like you’ve never known. So many times you fix your problems with drugs. A big dog feels bad you juice him up, an altruist wants to make a difference you push them down. Your drugs make me absolutely sick, relying on a drug to fix your problems instead of properly dealing with it. You guys aren’t responsible for anything. I’m holding off this time for family and good people but don’t think that you can hide behind good will. I know how to hurt you real bad, and if it happens again you can be sure that I will.

Monday 3:28pm

A number of times I was attacked repeatedly, inexplicably, for doing absolutely nothing. The thumps on my heart would go up and up and stay there for awhile. They got a new one now where the torture device in my jaw keeps pushing it out until it pops. The poison feed me on Sunday had the same effects as it always does – keeping me up. Been awake for about 24 hours now.

Sunday 6:55pm

Drugged again. Got it good again today. Not sure what they got but I feel awful. Barely able to focus, have no energy, my hearts beating real bad. Right after me then send me a girl. I’m very honored by this, unfortunately I was in no state to do anything. Why do they do this? Are they setting me up to fail? What good will do when they are only trying to hurt me?

Week 235

Saturday 4:06pm

Woken up after five hours of sleep to the worst pain in my private parts since the bugs began. I know myself people, intentionally treat me bad and I will not just take it. You have to do the right thing, and I’ll be sure you do.

Saturday 9am

Very painful attacks on the vas deferens most the the night to one point having me screaming took it for a long time before defending myself by turning on the tv. High pitched sound on most the time (now it has been turned down a bit). Played a game and got attacked repeatedly while no sounds where going on, no text on screen. After that the thunks on the heart began very pronounce was difficult to breathe. Pain in the lower regions just going away. Very very difficult. Kept my cool though.

Friday 1:21pm

Got woken up with very painful attacks in the balls after four hours. Took an hour of them before I was able to get to sleep. Got woken up three hours later with even more painful ones.

Tuesday 11:37pm

Getting hit almost exclusively on the right ball. Was playing a game and almost nothing going on and getting hit over and over again.

Tuesday 1:47am

Almost exclusively getting attacking on the right ball. Hurts real bad. Torture pain on ears is kept on constantly but hardly notice.

Monday 10:31pm

Got bugs in both balls now and they are getting set off all the time. I looked at this photo and they are about in the same places as a vasectomy. Wonder if they are trying to do this. Searchlight, I warn you: IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THIS PREPARE FOR THE MOST VICARIOUS WRATH YOU HAVE EVER SEEN. This is far from a joke anymore. If you guys are going to play god with me, the consequences will be greater than you can possibly imagine. I will never belong to people I don’t respect. Earn respect. This is my life, my choice, and since my actions don’t hurt anyone within the law, I don’t feel too guilty about my actions. When anonymous people that probably make less than 2% of the population are our leaders, there is going to be problems.

This is way below any inhumane act I’ve ever seen and any attack as such will be responded to.

Monday 9:37pm

I’m not sure what is going on. Tonight in one spell I started getting hurt real bad. I got two bugs at the back of my eyeballs now that really hurt. They kept getting hit over and over again until I finally got mad. I kept my anger in check though but not too long after my heart began thumping bad again. And now the eyeballs are getting hit bad. They feel like they are being ripped out. There are some people out there that need help badly.

Monday 4:38pm

Someone came in and turned up the thunking on my heart. Nothing has been done. No bad actions. Not even telling anyone I’m being tortured. I don’t understand why they do this.

Sunday 7pm

I’ve gotten 16 hours sleep in three days. They keep waking me up. I really needed my sleep this morning the help with this wasp sting I got that has swollen up pretty good. Instead Searchlight decided to wake me up at 5am so that the handler could be better off. Dissappointing.

Week 235

Hello. Thank you for reading what’s going on this week. First thanks to the ladies and the people who have made me a five and are helping protect me. I wanted to take the big dogs on directly but my health as increased considerably the last few days, so I’m not complaining. Thanks to my dad too who took a very unruly me on Thursday still spinning from top dog handler and withstood it to make things better.

Monday 3:29pm

Getting it all the time the last 5 or six hours have been pretty bad with alot more attacks on the joints. My right jaw is getting pretty soar again, a new bug is in my right hip that had me walking stiffly earlier. Again the torture device went off repeatedly in the early hours of the morning on my heart. All this has got worse and no bad behaviour has occurred and no posts since last night.

Sunday 9:15pm

New trick has been created. When I was sleeping I turned over and this was apparently enough to have to turn on the automatic torture device. I could feel my heart slowly begin to squeeze then almost a instant mechanical action happened. Klunk. The device would go off midway in a beat, causing a mechanical seize of the heart. My heart is not feeling good now. I have done nothing abhorrent, or otherwise that would be contradictory to what I know they want today. Either someone just thought they’d be clever and be the hero or someone asked for help and they took away one bad behaviour and replaced with a more sneaky alternate. Well, more sneaky is usually how it goes, not this time. I winced a good number of times in the hour and a half I tolerated it and even yelled a few times.

Once upon a time a terrible thing must have been done and someone(s) was able to convince/intimidate people to be quiet. Now the most horrible deeds get done and we are supposed to be quiet about them. No more! People will know the worst things being done.

Week 234

Saturday 8pm

Getting some hard thunks in my shoulder joints and sometimes just hitting the nerve. They’ve did some attacks, one in the penis and another in the rectum. Gonna get sleep now, not getting much lately (won’t let me go back to sleep).

Saturday 10:50am

A couple hours after 4 am the thumping in my heart stopped. Nothing has happened between then and now that would have got them mad but just a half hour ago the torture device got turned on again and bad thumps in my heart have been hurting me bad.

Saturday 4:35am

Heart pounding like crazy, very bad. If they are going to be this careless and leave a torture device on on someone’s heart and walk away, I have no choice but to defend myself.

Saturday 3:51am

I get hurt in the heart and I instinctively cross my arms, then the device gets turned on to an almost repetitive pattern, mostly synced to when my heart beats strongest. Been drugged again, drug being put into my cigarettes.

Friday 11:31

Got hurt bad playing a game just now. Real bad thunks on the heart over and over again that made me seize, adrenaline pump through me, stopped my breathing. Being done automatically??? I could seriously feel the blood force through me on each pump almost like I’d been electro-shocked.

Friday 5:45pm

Bugged Out???

(Not talking code).

I can’t believe this! Finally a top dog has come in the last two weeks to put their actions where their mouth has been and he barely made it through half the week. Normally what they do is grab the most scared, most incapable guy of defending himself, threaten him to do unspeakable acts and force him to stay all week (they’ve been doing this for 4+ months now). When one of their big dogs comes in, he apparently gets to decide when he gets to leave.

Cowards! 4 days! You wonder why I don’t see much integrity in your culture? Pathetic!

Wednesday 11:18pm

I took alot today: a couple gay guys sent after me, drugged, and an intimidater sent directly to me (these are higher up Searchlighters – usually older men) that act all friendly but have a purpose of specifically directing someone. They knew I got my food stamps up again and he was waiting outside my house as a popper who had just visited the food pantry. He told me there was soup at the food pantry (I tell you how excited I was :rolleyes:) when I seem disinterested in going to the pantry he asked me if I was going to Walmart – haha, hehe. And got the last word in in a friendly dishevelled way that I could go the other pantry… I’ve seen this thing many times in the past. It always revolves around sex, the only thing these guys live for (oh, and their drug), often talking right through me as if an act is more important than a person. It’s crazy and just nuts. And after today I wonder how much these top dogs know. For the first two years, I appeased these guys, following their diversions and they very seldom had to do with me. Anyways, I’m getting off course.

This guys just going off again. Just getting hit in the heart all the time now. Been happening alot the last three hours and my heart is getting pretty soar and my nerves going crazy. At some point here this guys is just pushing the button and I don’t know what he’s talking about a good 90% of the time. He see’s something, he attacks, I have no opportunity to defend. One had me cringe real badly, all attacks (almost) now are in the heart. This guy is young and I’m pretty sure he just doesn’t feel responsible, downgraded to the idea of, “just push the button (just gotten for typing ‘just push the button’) repetitively for a few more days and I’ll be out”. Now I’m regulated to posting for help every time he hurts me because I can’t take it any longer. A good number of posts have already gone out and will continue to do so, until my heart gets saved. If I blew the help the of anyone trying to help me I’m sorry but it hurts bad now.

Wednesday 02:17pm

Went to Walgreens to get food and got attacked a number of times, a few times had me yelling in pain. Got hit in the heart about 100 times I’m thinking. When I was walking back got hit about 15 times in one stretch. I couldn’t figure it out. I know now that I have bugs on me and they look out where I’m looking and figured out that I was being attacked every time a car drove by. Not reasonable.

Another gay sent after me, dude was cool about it though. Drugged again. Was warned by the grabbing of a shirt, didn’t notice. Feel bad now, lightheaded, weak. Not sure what to do – like that someone was actually that brave to go ahead and warn me – takes an extraordinary effort to do so. Mad, because they still try to get away with stuff and want me to hush up about it. Not gonna let bad people hide, but letting this go for now. Everyone I expect to be accountable.

Tuesday 08:26pm

I’m really trying, I promise. The torture is so much better today, thank you. The last five hours though I have been hit on the heart and only the heart hundreds of times. It began when I was playing a game and there werern’t any any voices. I took it as long as I could. If I blew it, I am really sorry. I’d like to thank anyone that tried to help.

Monday 3pm

Got hurt a number of times again outside, over and over, one time again in front of a kid. Is this the world you want to create Searchlight. Had to defend again.

Monday 10:31am

I ask very nicely, didn’t threaten or say in an angry voice, “Please, don’t hit me while that kid is walking by” (there was a five year old kid walking by when I took my cigarette break). Five seconds later when the kid is right in front of me, got a good hit in the heart.

I responded, this is not tolerable.

Sunday 10pm

Took alot of pain today. Wondering if another Searchlighter in my handler. Got attacked hundreds of times today, most of them on my heart. May have been drugged again (for the good) I think they like to make the people that look in on my on Sundays think that I’m doing ok. Or possibly I’m being drugged (for the bad) on the weekdays, but I believe the former. Heart hurting pretty bad. Understand Searchlight, and I hope you never ask me too, I cannot reward you for this and I never will. You must do the right thing, I already am. Sent a couple gays after me today too just to get me mad, all this together I had to defend myself again.

Week 233

Saturday 8pm

Playing with my heart alot, hurts and beating is off.

Saturday 3:42pm

Bug in left shoulder joint now and one on the heart. The heart feels like it is beating arrhythmically and probably is. Let people know about it. I’m going to be sure the right thing gets done and will take whatever is needed to be sure it does.

Friday 9:06pm

Got 12 hours of rest and woke up feeling pretty good but didn’t last long. Must have been drugged in something I ate for breakfast and have been feeling bad all day: body aching, difficulty hearing, general malaise. My jaws are hurting pretty bad. The muscles have tightened up around them and I’m only able to open my mouth about an inch.

Thursday 1:42am

Bugs in me now. Got one at the base of my skull on the left side. Another between the jaw and skull on the right side. They both hurt. How is this my fault guys? I got hurt so bad while doing the lawn. At one point just freezing in pain for whole minute. Doing such a basic chore are impossible now.

Got drugged again can barely move, wanted to go to sleep a long time ago. You guys break the law to hurt me, how do you expect me to respect you?

Wednesday 9:46am

After desperate begging and pleading, it just got worse. Last time I mowed the lawn I absolutely got killed. I think they might amp up the torture when I put the ear protection on. And I begged and pleaded with this guy that “While I’m out there can you just let me do my work. This is not easy and I really need to get it done.” Or something like that. I talked to him a good 3 or 4 minutes and just got attacked over and over again. I was calm, cool, collected and asked nicely and just got it… argh! Who is this guy, why is he so sensitive. Why does he make it worse when things get better? Told three people what is going on.

Tuesday 11am

about three hours ago I got some really painful thunks in the ear. Alot of them all in the left ear that had my ear very much in pain for hours. After that the attacks have been relentless and had me screaming in pain a number of times. Told more people what was going on, I know that good things will happen if people know what is going on. I know that, hurting others isn’t going to fix any problems in the long term.

Tuesday 4:05am

Getting real bad again. Think a third party is involved. After waking up a got a good number of thunks/pricks: thinking about 200+ in the first hour. Alot of times not just one prick/thunk is done but done in a series in multiple places. Lately i got four pricks all over my body. I yell at times. I didn’t mention it before because I hoped I wouldn’t have to: they are attacking my breathing again. When I was waking up a good number of time I’d get it for when I began to concentrate. Got poisoned again. Think it’s a different drug. It impairs memory. I was feeling great after waking but began feeling week and forgetting things quickly. Last, my computer was hacked again, the credit card number erased from the records I keep.

Please forgive me, I told a few people again, I promise I am trying my best.

Monday 11:28pm

I got a great sleep today. I really needed that. Thank you.

Monday 4am

Phew, last four hours have been tough. I really wanted to try again, but as soon as it became midnight they began going off alot again. I’d estimated that my left ear has been thunked close to 500 times. I’d thought I’d last days longer than this. Are they trying to cause a provocation?

Of note too: Yesterday the bugs on me (there’s got to be a good deal) a couple times stuck me in, well, I think you can guess where.

Sunday 6:38pm

Haven’t got much sleep lately. I really needed sleep today and got woke up just as I was going to sleep again a number of times by thunks in the left ear. Let a couple people know what it going on.

A couple things you won’t believe

I forgot to add this and I’m really sorry but it’s really important. I don’t know who stepped in last week but you did awesome. I was getting hurt real bad and you did absolutely beautiful! Thank you, thank you, very much.

Here are a couple things that they are doing now that you won’t believe:

Bugs on skin. They now have bugs on the skin that crawl around. This makes so they can see what I do where ever I go. Also the bugs have an ability to hurt me, they probably drive a pin into my skin.

The bugs are deep in my ear now and they at times will turn them on to sync with my heartbeat (as you can imagine it’s extremely disrupting and painful).

I believe they have some type of computer system that now sets off the torture device only when I relax. If the handler pushes the button when I’m upset, when my breathing and heart-rate go down the thunk will go off.

This is just before Sunday but I retaliated again. This is for monday and tuesday and the crippling torture device turned on and walked away from. This is for the gays sent to me on Wednesday for no reason. This is for the thunk in the ears on Friday morning that lasted 30 minutes when I got up that was deep in my ear and thunked on every heart-beat. And this is for last Sunday the guy who took me out of the 10 group and put the bugs on me by shaking my hand.

Do you guys think that because you know how to hurt others real bad that you earn respect?

Week 232

Friday 8:34am

I tried, I really tried. But as I was going to sleep again watching a tv show I got thunked over and over again in the same ear. I can’t tell you how many hundreds and hundred and hundred of times that button has been pushed today. Sorry ladies if I upset you, I know how hard you are trying. I appreciate you efforts and promise you that I will always try to do my best in your presence.

Thursday 1:36pm

Was watching a bit of a TV show and got thunked in the left ear a good couple hundred time in the span of about 30 minutes.

Wednesday 9:12pm

The specials were sent after me. When things are done just to… Responded in kind.

Possible cigarettes have been poisoned again. Worst tasting cigarettes I’ve ever tasted. A little bit older cigarettes though so I’m not holding them accountable for this.

Wednesday 3:56pm

Inner door knob broke – older door knob but never has been loose or anything. Commonly used to go outside for a cigarette break. Know Searchlight doesn’t like me to be in the public, wondering (but not accusing) if they did it.

Woke up after six hours sleep, not allowed to go back to sleep again. Torture devices monitor when heartbeat decreases when I got close to sleep again I’d get sequential thunks on my ears, not patterned but random.

Wednesday 12:26am

I tried my best, I really did. I’m almost at tears now. I told myself that I’d take it as long as I could. I’ve took alot of pain: torture device still on and very uncomfortable if my mp3 player runs out of batteries, and thunks in the left ear repetitively and only, over and over again. I cannot tell you how many times this button has been pushed, I’d guess it’s probably a new record. I think this person is retarded (I don’t mean that offensively). He has no idea of right from wrong. I’ll get pushed ’till I’m shaking and barely able to function. I’ve talked and reasoned to him all week. But it’s not worth it is it? He’s not capable of understanding, is he? I’ll be pushed to the brink and he just keeps on going. What choice to I have but to defend myself? Should you expect different? I must think you guys really hate your culture to treat someone like this. This does few people good.

Monday 2:26pm

Just applied again for food stamps and I looked at the types of proof page and it doesn’t even mention proof of address. The only thing it mentions is proof of citizenship. Could this be a Searchlight trick to keep me away from food. As it is now I’ve been straggling for for the last two weeks possibly from a Searchlighter trick. Sad. I’ve seen this before.

Monday 2pm

Been trying to get my food benefits back. My food benefits were cut off a couple weeks ago because they didn’t have proof of residency. This is my fault I had forgotten to send them in and take full responsibility for it. But I left a message for Katheryn (my case worker) for two weeks ago and got a reply four days later that I needed to send them in before they’d it get re-instated. I did so the following monday and when I didn’t get my benefits back (or message) by Friday, I called and left a message early Friday morning. Nothing had happened, so I just called back and got to talk to her. She told me that my case was closed and that I’d have to re-apply. This is bad. What happened between the Thursday she talked to me and Tuesday when they likely got them?? I got almost no food in the house and I already visted the food pantry. Not good.

Tuesday 1:52am

The device is still on and I’m shaking pretty bad at times. Yelled a few times.

Monday Noon

Got woken up last night a couple times by the torture device. Loud enough that it was impossible to go back to sleep again without playing white noise to help block the noise. Thought it might be temporary but the device is being left on again, got me shaking a little bit.

They were off purty nice to me yesterday. Very unlike them, figure they must have had an important audience. Think someone too must have told them that I’d been up for about 24 hours and was only able to do the most basic tasks.

Holy Drugged!

Update: 11:50pm Was getting hurt real bad toward the end again. Not sure the deal, had to tell people how bad it was.

Did I get drugged last night. I slept about 12 hours and still felt horrible. For the most part of the day I could barely function. My whole body hurt and I was only able to do the most basic tasks. Thank god I got to sleep in a bit that helped a bit, the most sleep I’ve had in a good time.

The torture device is very painful now. Had me yelling a few times, incapacitates me for about three seconds. I’m still at a loss a good amount of the time about why I am being tortured. Plus I’m getting attacked for things at times that just don’t make sense: opening drawers, opening doors, just walking from place to place.

What type of person thinks of these things? Who sits there and develops a drug to cause someone alot of pain? I’ve seen alot of these things in Searchlight. How can anyone expect me to support this? I wouldn’t want to know myself if my job was to create such things.

I’m beginning to think the handler is a kid again, maybe gay. Better than some, not so good at times. He seemed to try at the beginning of the week, but at this point I think he’s just given up and maybe just needs to meet a quota. Got me upset when the ladies on TV started to freak out and he just kept going.

I’m going to do the right thing Searchlight, and am going to be sure the right thing gets done.

Update: Saturday 11:39 am

Torture device more painful today though it doesn’t appear to last as long.

Another one of those What the…?

Well, things were getting better this week: the torture device got turned off yesterday and the overall torture went down every day, today I don’t know what happened. I began the day and just got killed as soon as I got up. And it went again and again and again. I really got hurt alot today and I took it for most of the day treating the guy like I did the past few days who was actually trying to help me. I think that they must have put me in the gay group again and I have no idea why. I haven’t done anything!

Whoever was my handler this week before this I’d like to thank you. You took a very tough situation and made it alot better. You’re a very good person. Thank you.

I’m not sure what’s going on or why they did this. I am unable to figure this out. They do like to destroy what is good. Because how bad I got hurt today, I’m forced to defend myself. I will take the pain, but I know that eventually the right thing will get done. If you guys can’t be responsible put me with someone that has no understanding of right and wrong then there will be consequences. I’m not out to hurt you, please don’t misunderstand. I’m here to make sure you do right. I’m interested in creating a better world, I definitely will. Told people how bad I’m being hurt.

Update 9:45pm

Sent another gay after me. How can I believe they aren’t just trying to piss me off. I am trying my best. Let more people know what is going on.

Cigarettes Poisoned

Well my cigarettes have been poisoned. This makes about a dozen times that they’ve done so. They do this under the pretense that they are helping me. That gets me a good laugh. This made me think of this post I read:

Old Yeller and Humanitarian Happenings

I’ve seen Searchlight use humanitarian organizations in the past as fronts for their doing. When I lived in Salt Lake City (an advanced Searchlight town) they would have my handler speak at the Relief Shelter every Saturday night. I didn’t know about it until the last week I was there and got to see it. It was the most condemning, think of all the bad things you can say, under the disguise of words to do good.

When I went to the food pantry yesterday and got attacked. Not by will of course (these were good ladies) but by threat. This is how Searchlight works it attacks good people while people that don’t give a ____ can do anything they want. I took it well and for the most part we can out unscathed.

They sent another gay after me this morning, pushed him a few times and got a good laugh out of it.

New day, odd surprises

Last night at about 10 a 10 was sent after me and shortly afterword another 10 was sent carrying a coat. I shrugged it off but… read on.

The torture device was turned up a good deal while I slept yesterday afternoon. I woke up with my ears in a good deal of pain. The mentally deficient last night couldn’t get enough so I told some more people what was going on. At about three in the morning a guy came to my place and took the 10 class away from me. Huh, didn’t even know I was in the 10/6 class. huh. Now the torture device that gets left on all the time has been turned up and isn’t really tolerable. I am doing some shaking now, let more people know about it.

Update 2pm

Somewhere during the last two hours the device that stays on has been turned up. Again for nothing. I’ve seen this many times.

Update 2am

My computer has been hacked bad. I like to go to bed watching a show on my computer but it has become near impossible. They’ve hacked it so bad that shows will freeze while being played, having me get up a number of times fix it. Now they are able to force close the web browser. Watching the show helps me get to sleep. What good does this do? Allow the handler a few minutes extra sleep? At the expense of what? My security? Of what I like doing (working on computers)?

The device is still being left on also at a nearly impossible level. I shake at times. Have to leave white noise on all the time just to make it tolerable. Attack being done for just about anything (individual words [I'm guessing]), well anything.