Week 247

Tuesday

12:40pm

Yesterday around this time, I went to the library to return a few things. They sent a gay after me to get me mad. Not other reason to do this, other than the lady handler of the guy to get a good laugh out of it. I flatly told the guy I wasn’t gay, and that they just did this get me me mad. He took it well, I approached it calmly and didn’t get mad. After that (when I returned) the attacking started pretty good. I’m not sure why, but I think it was because I didn’t get mad. It was already pretty good at the time but I took it. As the day went on it progressively got worse. I had a good day yesterday too and I wonder if that had something to do with it. I took it and took it, didn’t get mad once. When six or seven came around, it got bad fast. Not sure what caused it but by eight and nine o’clock, it became difficult to breathe with the thunking on my chest. By nine and ten it became difficult to function, didn’t get mad just kept going. For the most part until five or six am it got worse all the time. Didn’t get mad all the time. Began taking drugs to help with the pain, was taking shallow breathes all The thunking on my heart went down around 7 I think but then the pain on the balls increased by 10 and 11 the pain was having me curl over, froze for 10 to 15 seconds. Not one of these times did I get mad. The thing of it is: this was all for nothing. Nothing happened, not rude to anyone (only am when I am in a lot of pain do I get mad and I didn’t this time and all). Even more unbelievable, is that I haven’t even told anyone I’ve been tortured all week. I still can’t figure this out. I have no idea, but I guess on person had a bad day, or was so high on the drug he thought it was funny. I see this so many times where the pain will go up for no reason. I feel sorry for these guys. It’s like they are trapped somehow… I don’t know, I just feel sorry for them. Well, I took it and took it and took and now I’m defending myself. I feel that there is something wrong in it at times (I don’t want to see anyone offended if at all possible) but what else am I to do? Anyways, to whomever had a bad day, I hope it gets better .

To good people.

Week 246

These are my daily notes and are kinda boring. For those that like to learn more, read the ‘The Story‘.

Thursday

Gay sent after me.

Tuesday

10:03pm

Thunking on ball beating more frequently now, slightly less painful but the frequency almost makes up for it, the aggregate pain I’d say is actually worse. Pain in joints definitely more painful.

8:50pm

For the past 40 minutes the thunking on my balls started and is real bad too. During which I’ve yelled many times from it – still going on. Now thunking on the heart has been added. Wasn’t rude, took it real well despite the pain, didn’t get mad, talked rationally, calmly… I’ve seen this many times where it is ok to take ones’ personal anger out on someone else. That is all I can think of.

4:35pm

Torture device cranked way up. Thunking on balls in as bad as its been, then theirs pierces on the balls that have me screaming. I was watching a movie trailer that didn’t even have talk most of the time that had me screaming.

12:58pm

Thumping on heart is really bad.

12:07pm

A number of things are happening. I’d like to elaborate more but the thunking on my heart has gone up considerably just now.

single word extraction -
touching -
typing – last night II, thunking still, nvidia, deviant art, hul, ‘worse now, no reason’, bb, template-basic (these hypens are going both ways [i.e. as two words or a single word]),
saying – bye bye, not even code, what they’re talking about,
deleting -
laughing -
thumping in heart/esophogus getting me for touching chest – IIII
breathing -
Daze -
Didn’t read -
breathing – , after I’ve been hurt
unknown or nothing -
attacking before I say anything -
pop in jaw – II
I regularly put my hand up and rest my head by putting my hand to my jaw, lips and chin and will get immediately attacked for it. III
Sunday
3:50am – goes up as half-hour goes along, had me yelling a few times
4am – torture worse, didnt even speak a word
4:10am – thunking on balls turned on
4:21am – attacking then getting attacked for… grunting?????
4:20am – attacks change
4:44am – not given any chance to type a second word
3:55am – 4:20am – attacked twice three times for three actions
5:21am – Constant thunking on my balls cause me to grab them from time to time for which Ill also be attacked
etqw
5:28am – pretty much all attacks for the last hour and a half have been tough thunks to the balls
6:51am – getting attacked alot for things I don’t read
7:47am – many attacks on balls, more painful, all attacks more painful, more prevalent, a lot of random ones coming
11:05am – thunking on heart now, torture worse. Absolutely no reason, didn’t even talk the whole time.
Monday
6:20am – They hadn’t let me have much sleep the last couple days so when I went to sleep last night (5pm) I just hit the wall. Anytime I was in a half-sleep last night I’d get painful attacks in the balls over and over again. I was so physically beat I just went through it. This happened so many times I can’t count. Most of the time they are attacking when I relax, doesn’t really much have to do with code anymore. Thunking on heart this morning good, turning on gag reflex until I phycially cough (just did it 10 times just now).
6:27am – touched heart because of pounding, good pop in jaw.
8am – torture gets alot better during the 7:15am-7:45 half-hour. Now, torture on joints worse, didn’t say a word during previous period, attitude not bad… Thunking on heart still barely tolerable.
11am – took a walk and now my heart is being pounded on
11:14am – tens looked to have really turned it up
1:19pm – thunking on heart worse
2:11pm – thunking on heart worse now, no reason, pain overall worse now
2:46pm – all torture is causing me to yell now
Tuesday
5:20am – torture goes up, most hard thunks on the balls.
6:50am – getting attacked for alot of things I am not reading.
7:53am – torture gone
up, no reason
9:15am – attacks go up
10:03am – bad blast out of nowhere
10:14am – pain considerable more
11:15am – 11:45 – pain is worse, at 11:45am thunking on heart goes up considerably.

Sunday

3:45pm

I’ve taken it for 15 hours and during that time I can say that it fluxuated little if at all. Good behavior (minus one minor outbreak).

1pm

Been absolutely getting killed today, been tough to function all this time, with no let up on pressure. A lot of bad things going on.

Previous Week Report

Just a few of the things this week.

single word extraction – XVI
touching – keyboard IIII… more time than I can count, titlebar or Arachnophilia, delete, restore,
typing – akau, in trouble, as they, earthquake like thunk, full contraction II, you like, done so, full argument, opinion II, ntfsclone, -, full-time contributor,
saying – push the button, why done so, oh no, oh man,

deleting – III
laughing -
thumping in heart/esophogus getting me for touching chest – X
breathing – II
Daze -
Didn’t read -
breathing – , after I’ve been hurt
unknown or nothing – VII
attacking before I say anything -
12:20am – thumping on heart goes up
1:23pm – thunking on heart barely tolerable
4:41 – thunking on heart bad now
7:26pm – heart thunked on real bad for 10 minutes
Monday
7:20am – rolled over, woken up, sharp pain in balls, happened everytime I was close to getting back to sleep, pain increased the more I tried to go back to sleep, began yelling alot around 7:40.
7:55am – thunking on heart begins, bad, twice per contraction, tough to function
8:10am – constant thunking also begins on balls
10:08am – I usually smoke with my left arm and the last few days they’ve been popping the tendon as pull it up to take a drag.
10:58am – thunking on heart is worse
12:58am – thunking on heart now makes it difficult to breathe
3pm – sometime, somehow the five was taken away from me. Haven’t had the tv on, talked to anyone, been on the internet… How did this happen?
4:22pm – thumping on heart worse
7:35pm – pain in ear is enormous. Blasts are lasting like 7 seconds and it is difficult to do anything else while they are going on. Still holding my heart most of the time, like I’m trying to pin that bug in.
8:35pm – Pain in balls goes up
Tuesday
12:32am – two very bad pains in the top of the left eye
12:38am – very painful jaw pains
7:14pm – Thumping on heart goes up a great deal, no reason
7:42pm – torture goes up a good deal for no good reason
Wednesday
1:51am – had me yelling, not sure why
2:35am – thunking on heart turned up again, beginning to shake at times now, constantly pinning chest, no reason
4am – since like midnight the thunking on the heart has gone to like an earthquake like thunk, it tremors on every beat, very hard to take
1:52pm – thunking has gotten worse, more frequent, more intense. No reason. Two bugs in two different places going off on heart one just before the contraction, one just before contraction, one at full contraction.
2:35pm – two bad blasts in balls, no reason
4:01pm – gag reflex while eating, very dangerous, almost coughed and let food in lungs
4:35pm – very painful attack, thunking goes up
7:47pm – thunking worse
8:21pm – thunking alot worse
9:35pm – thunking on heart even worse
Thursday
1am – thunking on heart goes up
5am – Watching a movie, thunking on heart goes up a good deal, thunking on balls starts. Both go up more as I watch. As I go to sleep thunking on balls continues, takes me awhile to go to sleep.
1:45pm – went to store, a lady was sent after me. Felt good. Spoiled a bit by a guy being sent too. Nonetheless and overall good thing.
2:05pm – pain in balls worse today, no reason. Three attacks for one action: upper left pinky knuckle, right upper pinky knuckle, upper thumb knuckle. More directed attacks. Went to store and got a very painful attack on knuckle when I grabbed the pen. Typing now and getting all type of attacks on knuckles. Woken up today again at the exact same time: 12:45pm.
2:24pm – pains in joints considerable worse
5:35pm – most of the attacks now are making me yell
6:36pm – attacks go up again (even worse now), mostly bad thunks in the ball.
7:25pm – many attacks coming now on shoulder (very painful too), and thunk on right ball (also bad)
9:22pm – many powerful thunks on the balls now. In fact all attacks have been on the balls. Many just for actions I can’t even think of. Will take as long as I can.
10pm – Computer magically goes to sleep. Been working with howto (on a system level) put the computer to sleep, all the sudden it goes to sleep without any input from me the computer goes to sleep. I know a good deal about computers, this shouldn’t happen.
11:38pm – thunking on balls returns, pain on stabbing of balls increases.
Friday
12:51am – The group just come in, was nice to them. Now the thunking on the balls is continuous. Was nice to them, haven’t done anything.
1:54am – three times for one action
3:37am – thunking on balls continue and get increased greatly. Didn’t even talk during the 3am hour. Wouldn’t be able to take this very long.
4:38am – thunking on the balls has gone up again, shots to balls worse
6:52am – sharp stabbing pain on my penis begins
7:30am – grunting about every time I’m attacked now
9:50am – thunking on heart real bad
4:54pm – woken up after 5 or so hours of sleep, painfully. Not allowed to go to sleep again.
5:30pm – thunking on heart goes up
8:50pm – yelling a good time now, very painful blastes in the hand knuckles. Some things just not making any sense.
9:25pm – pounding on my heart has gone up signifigantly last 10 minutes, haven’t done anything
Saturday
10:35am – torture goes up a good deal. Was nice too… go figure.
7:45pm – woken up after five hours sleep again
9:09pm – getting it for 46 wordings. Computer made to freeze… hard.
10:37pm – settings go into effect immediately, and during?-

Week 245

Saturday

6:10am

At 3am the threes decided to do almost all attacks my thunking on the right ball. I have been doing one task for the last 4 hours and there were no words, no sound, nothing, even the things I was doing were not code. I was doing graphic design and that meant working with ‘nodes’ and ‘rectangles’ and it may sound odd but for almost 100% of the time those were the only two things I was working on. I must have got thunked on the right ball 400 or 500 times in the last three hours, possibly more. For the most part, I just focused and I can say I did get the job done. It’s not as good as I could have done without it, but I still think I did pretty good. I waited to now too because I thought it be a more direct response rather than to have a good class be forced to do something really illegal. I’m still here Searchlight, I did good too. I will defend myself when I have to. Please, take a break from your euphoria and try to get an honest opinion of what is going on.

Friday

11:35pm

Suddenly I started getting real bad pops in the jaw. Most other attacks had me yelling.

9:30pm

Thunking on the heart has gone up signifigantly in the last ten minutes. Started shaking. In the true Searchlight fashion, it got pushed up, pushed again, pushed to the point where it is not a good idea to go further, and then push a couple times after that until the person becomes enraged. And that is it, that is exactly what the drug likes them to see. No thanks my life being led by a drug.

6:05pm

Woken up after five hours of sleep. I tried everything I could to get back to sleep which ended up resulting in a lot of pain. This first hour has been real painful. Constant thunking on the heart and balls (the balls particularly bad – they hurt quite a bit now). I guess alot of people may ask why I’m defending myself – just concede to them and you can live you life… mostly. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. This drug leads them into their thinking, to a point where they are not even human anymore. In there mind you are either with them or against them, or you take the drug or you don’t. If they have you submissive, it will do for now. For two years, I took it to see if it would get better, if they could get better, but this drug so radically alters their brain chemistry… I’ve seen the effect of this drug, how it spreads, how it rules, it is our own brain chemistry, we all want to feel right. Essentially Searchlight is attacking all our minds. The discrepancy for right and wrong is narrowing, as is the great benefit of honest reward. I honestly have no idea how this is going to play out. I cannot say I do not fear for our culture, our humanity. But I love it, absolutel love it, and it is well worth defending.

7:39am

Since 6am I just been mauled. Very difficult to function the last hour and a half. At 6:30 I started getting the worst stabbing pains on my skin I ever have and they were on the tip of my penis. Thunking on the balls and heart have made it difficult to function. At 7:20am I was grunting on every attack.

4:45am

Thunking on balls gets turned up again as do the shots to the balls. Worse than an hour ago. Nothing has happened since 9:45(?) last night.

3:37am

Device gets cranked up. In some instances as bad as it’s been. No reason, didn’t even talk to the guys.

Thurday

9:34pm

Getting attack so many times now. Getting attack for alot of things that aren’t even code. I took it as long as I could. During the last half and hour there have been many painful attacks on my balls, most of them thunks that make me flinch.

7:30pm

Most attacks on should joint and right ball thunks. Both bad. Outside doing nothing got attacked many times.

2:45pm

I decided to give it a try yesterday to just sit back and see if things got better. Alot of times things will get worse without me even doing anything (treating people good, taking pain good, not telling anyone I’m being hurt). Alot of times yesterday though the torture device was turned up for no good reason without me having done anything again. The threes came on to today and just went crazy. Alot more to tell, will get back to that though as I think they might try to use them against me.

Wednesday

2:54am

At 2:30am the thunking on the heart increased to a point it’s barely torelable. Beginning to shake at times, have to pin my heart to my chest forcibly for any type of relief. Haven’t done anything.

Tuesday

7:50pm

During 7 to 7:30 the thunking on the heart went up dramatically and for no reason. Nothing has happened since early afternoon. Was good to the guy and everything. Now it’s difficult to function again.

Monday

10:48pm

At 8pm the thumping on the heart goes up a good deal. At 8:35 very painful pinches in the balls are common. Nothing has happened since early afternoon.

Now I am getting loud and painful clicks in the jaw, hasn’t been this bad in a couple months.

7:20am

lol, woken up at 7:20, needed more sleep, oh well. Tried to get back to sleep, painful attacks on balls, pain got worse the more I tried to. At 7:50 thunking on heart (two thunks per contraction) and alot of repetative thunking on the balls.

Looks like it worked Searchlight, whatever it was you were trying to accomplish. We never forget our common humanity, do we?

Sunday

10:50pm

Alot of attacks now, most don’t make any sense (taking a few steps, drape…) and all new sharp pains on the balls. Asked this guy to stop, slow down nicely, and just got hurt over and over again. Searchlight intimidation again, to make people do whatever they want them to do. Funny, I don’t think that they could ever do it.

7:37pm

Just played a video game and the thunking on the heart just went crazy. I discovered it directly related to my blood pressure and it’s definitely turned up. I noticed this too as I did yard work today. Well playing the game and after awhile the whole system froze. This should never happen and tells me that Searchlight is up to some real bad again. Either they found a way to hack my computer (possible – but remote), or they broke into here again.

1:31pm

Attacks go up, no reason. Yelled a couple of times, thunking on heart goes up making it very difficult to function. Very difficult to do yard work.

10am

Last night at midnight I began to get hurt real bad, I took it hoping it would subside. When I was going to bed last night as 3:15 I was intentionally woken up, and the thumping on the heart was turned on read bad, I couldn’t get to sleep for awhile.

I woke up this morning and the thumping on the heart was worse and the attacks on the balls were very very bad. Out of the blue, just like that. So I just asked for help. When I have a problem, I fix it, still amazes me that these things get done and there is no general consensus, or expert opinion, to fix the problem. It’s like they want to pretend it isn’t here. All the data they got but no matter what my actions are, behavior is, a so-called expert will come in and just turn up the torture device. Thought always coming across to me as being from Searchlight, “Intimidate, torture more, and you can have anything you want.”rr

Week 244

Saturday

What a week! Fighting terrorism is a tough job . Wonder who Searchlight is going to find whom they can intimidate the most. No matter, it feels good.

Many things made up this week. This is only a short list. For any that did good this week, I thankfully appreciate you help.

single word extraction – VIII
touching – keyboard III, earplugs II, discard,
drinking – I
typing – not, ten seconds, thinking too, xset, Here’s a, roman numeral I, Display PM, 15, yes II, thunking goes up, Gen2ly, using lcd,
saying -
deleting -
laughing -
thumping in heart/esophogus getting me for touching chest -VIII
breathing – II
Daze -
Didn’t read -
breathing – , after I’ve been hurt
unknown or nothing – VI
attacking before I say anything – VI
10:38am – thunking goes up again
8:27pm – thunking goes a little more before contraction on heart, more quick, sudden
3:14am – thunking on heart repreived for a few hours, starts again, probably just as bad, not sure why.
6:30am – attacks on balls go way up
8:15am – thunking goes up
Wed
1:22am – thunking goes up
1:33am – goes up more
3:07am – cursor has mysteriously moved twice now
8:39am – thunking on heart much worse than before eights come in
9:42am – thumping on heart is even worse not, twice per beat, than from an hour ago, haven’t doen anything.
2:37am – got a break on my heart, thank you. Now there are clicks on my heart that are nasty, quick and sudden
Thursday
9:23am – quick sudden knocks on heart, nothing has happened in (15?) hours.
9:25am – real bad blast in right ear
12:49pm – Three times for one action
Friday
1:27am – Thunking on heart turned up dramatically, no reason
5:47am – gone up again
6am – even worse
6:56am – very bad now
8:24am – gag refles causes automatically when breathing hard
3:50pm – thunking on heart goes up good again
Saturday
9:20a – thunking on heart worse started in about the last 20 minutes.
10:25a – thunking on heart is worse
1:19p – thunking on heart goes up real good at 1pm
7:01p – thunks on heart are quick and sudden, about 20% worse now
7:20p – thunks much worse now

/Friday

1:27am

Thunking on heart just gets ramped up, I took it as long as I could (it is now 1:51am). Just impossible to take.

Wednesday

6:47pm

During 6pm to 6:30 pm the thunkning on the heart got worse. I took it. I took it mildly, deferentially, didn’t react one. At 6:30 the thunks went up to an uncomfortable level and came a time after time and went up in pressure. I couldn’t take it anymore.

6:02am

I thought this was a good person, but after what I’ve seen last night, I’m not sure. I got hit for everything. I really went out of my way too to see if the situation could be aleiviated a bit. Didn’t have anything on for the first three hours I was up (maybe more?) then I turned on the radio and I just kept getting it. Been nice the whole time. Just got worse as time went on, been treating him good as I always do with the handlers so no understanding why I’ve been attacked so much for nothing. SL zombies are talking, “Torture device, fixes everything”. Worked so good the last two years .

1:07am

Got woken up very painfully, very little sleep, felt like about four hours (not sure). They are starting off the day like always, to get me down, doing unrelentless attacks first thing in the morning for alot of made up things. Being attacked before a second word can even be said or writtendn. The thunking on the heart has gone up bad at times but down again in an acceptable time and currently isn’t bad. Not going to respond because of this, but don’t trust it either . Usually my fault – I’ve been doing dum things lately like trusting people and in Searchlight this has always come back to bite me, honestly it’s generally a sign of me getting tired. Health: 80%.

strong>Tuesday

1:25pm

At around 10:30pm, I finally lost it. I hadn’t lost my temper like this in a long time. Even then it wasn’t real bad. I said a few things I regrett but I was still tempered though I know what I said hurt. After about a ten minute (on and off) harsh but controlled rant at the tens for being irresponsible (basically letting the threes do anything while they just watch and don’t participate or do anything for the public good) I took a break and I did apologize. This didn’t matter though as at 10:30 some real bad thunking began on my heart. 10 minutes into it I warned that I wouln’t be able to take it long. And it was no joke, I was very difficult to take. I took it for a half/hour, then an hour, then another two after that where I began to play a game (I needed anythign to take my focus off the pain) and just got killed. Not only did the thunking go up on the heart just for playing, but I got more thumps on the heart everytime I died (which I is very hard when I was being hurt so bad. I still played good, but lost it like I haven’t lost it in a long time. I wasn’t even capable of defending myself. It’s still on real bad now, but I cut loose, broke a chair, someone was here I would have done damage to them. I can’t take it any longer, it is that bad. For one mistake in two weeks, and the first time I lost my temper in a long time. Yeah, this is justice… no one takes as much pain as me and keeps such an even keel. There is no faith in you searchlight. You are terrorists, your are addicts, you cannot be trusted. Maybe I should think that way, the more pain I can deal, the more I can get. Yes??????

6:32am

Attacks on balls go way up, no reason why. Not good.

Monday

11:56pm

Told one person because of the below and the last 15 minutes have been getting me for just about anything I do. Weird.

8:30pm

Sent gay after me.

12:04pm

Rough night. They have been thunking on my heart bad now for 15 hours. I tried to take it, I really did. When the tens came on at ten it was turned down for a half hour, then also for the nines at 11. But went right back up both times. In fact, I think it may be even a little worse now. I have been crippled all night, barely being able to do anything, clutching at my heart almost the entire time. And you know what all this is for? Telling two people about the hundreds and hundreds of times I got attacked in the first few hours. This Searchlight group just looks like they’ve given up. Why not? Who needs rewards when a drug can replace them. Searchlight, if you can’t be responsible, I’ll do my best to try and see that you are.

Sunday

9:17pm

Oy, tough week last week. I’d like to thank everyone that made it better.

The new guy I’d thought I’d give a fair chance. Last Sunday, I woke up feeling rested (for some reason this rarely happens with me) and I let people know a few things I disagreed with and was semi-rebellious. This, in turn, led the top dogs to do something I’ve never seen before and the made people drop in all week long like they do on Sundays. I feel bad about this, not because I did anything wrong, but because it threw off alot of people’s need to do things and made things pretty tough for the handler (who I thought was a decent person). This week, I decided to keep low on Sunday. After absolutely being unable to take it anymore, I got up after thirteen hours in bed at 6pm. Without people being able to intimidate him directly related to me, I thought he’d be pretty composed when I woke up (I was also hoping he would be pretty resilient). Doesn’t look good so far though. I hope they didn’t keep him up and intimidate him all day. Whatever happened it doesn’t look good. During my sleep, I’d get woken up over and over again, one time so bad that I yelled real loud. The first hour I was up, I got hit probably 100 times in the first 20 minutes, possibly more. Many that I had no idea about. They almost seemed to be done in a timely fashion, with one coming in at least every ten seconds. I took a walk for an hour and would get attacked over and over again with no people talking around me or doing anything else. I told this guy about some of the odd attacks people have got me for in the past (drape, door…) and now not only am I getting attacked for them, but am getting attacked for them worse. I’ve talked and pleaded the whole three hours, been nice, took all the attacks well, but he seems to be just looking for ways to hurt me. I’m not sure if I sense real anger in this guy, only compliance. I believe this person is susceptible to belief in our elders and wanting to make people happy. Still getting attacked about every ten seconds (though the pain has gone down) most things i have no idea what he is thinking (he really seems to be just making things up every ten seconds so I’m thinking too he might not know the code that well and is making things up.) but so many times attacked, and the disjointedness of it, I had to defend myself.

Week 243

Saturday

In the past Searchlight hackers have done some relatively harmful things to my computer: deleted text from a couple files, effected performance of the computer (particularly during games), interupt movies I watch, stop webpages from being loaded, crash a program now and then… I’m pretty good at computers but they got some real pro’s in that were able to hack my computer at a hardware level. So the past three months, I’ve put alot (alot!) of time into building a computer that’s real good against attacks. I’ve put alot of time on it and am very proud of it. Up to a week and a half ago during the last month, I’ve been able to get work done, not be interupted… Well, a week and a half ago, I took a prolonged leave of the house and suddenly things began to go bad on my computer again… movies freezing, programs crashing, the computer crashing a few times. The only way they could have done this is if they had direct access to the computer. After they did this, I’ve experience crashes, permissions being changed, and my bash environment being hacked (it’s a computer thing but very important for what I do). I do good work to help people and I need a computer that behaves rationally. I spent a few hours trying to diagnose the above before I learned what was going on. So the past few days, I’ve been rebuilding everything from scratch. I meticuously went over all the files I need to keep and built everything one by one. Doing this left me without an opportunity to be able to defend myself the last few days. And during these three days not only was I attack bad but the attacks (for the most part) increased. Thunking on my heart would go up and down (for 30 minute gaps) all day long and on some occasions I don’t know how I tolerated it (thank god for copious amounts of tylenol). During Wednesday and Thursday (and part of Tuesday) I was repeated popped in the jaw (the device in my right jaw has the ability to nearly pop it out of the joint). This happened pretty much everytime I took a bite of food. It became very painful to eat. When I played a video game (that had very little text, people talking…) the thunking on the heart was increased dramatically, and got worse the more I needed to concentrate. By Thursday evening my jaw started to become stiff and talking and moving it would many times cause a pop. On Thursday afternoon, a gay guy was sent after me. When I watched a show or movie it was the same as playing the video game the thunking went up to a degree that it was pretty much impossible to be able to focus. And all this was for doing nothing, I didn’t do anything at the time. I didn’t tread the remote control guy rude at all, actually I think I treated him read good. I didn’t treat anyone bad…. Today though, with no choice I had to respond.

Tuesday

10:53pm – Just going to sleep watching a show and thunking on heart gets worse. Spent all day to get the hackers (them) out of my computer and they got back in again. No damage done this time just things to annoy me.

3:13am – thunking has been horrible for 5 hours, barely been able to function. Thunking has gone down now but for the last 20 minutes mosts have been pretty painful attacks on the balls and alot of times for things not even code. Just now the thunking has been turned up a degree again – micro-managers .

3:53am – been trying to talk and reason with this guy for the last two days. Maybe he’s just scared something awful. I hope so. Alot of times though Searchlight will grab a person for me that have been pushed down so long that they just want to push back. Angry at the world. They know I didn’t have a terrible week last week (relatively) and the probably looked good and hard to find a way to get me the most. Some of the attacks on the joints now are lasting 10 seconds. I’ll get attacked multiple times now for one action (sometimes four times). I counted 6 of them, but there were alot more. Like I said, I’ve been talking and pleading with this guy, but I’m not sure how much good it’s doing.

single word extraction – 10x
typing – k, rm src, huh, e, here,
touching – here,
many many more.

Monday

9:53pm – thunking on heart goes up
9:50pm – getting me for everything, slightest relaxation, breathing, before I can type another word. What am I to do?
5:14pm – twice now for one action

4:16pm – Went to the library just now and just got killed. I wasn’t talking, listening to music. Nobody around me was talking. I mean I just got absolutely destroyed. It’s real embarrassing to be in front of a whole bunch of people and get hurt like that. How can they do this to people?

Sunday

6:53pm – Dude just started going crazy on me, all attacks on the balls. I took it as long as I could. I hope this is a good person.

single word extraction – IIII
touching – ‘keyboard’, ‘Recent Changes’,
typing – ‘tests available’, ‘keyboard’, roman numeral ‘I’, ‘new posts’, ‘Enter’, ‘v abc’, ‘keypress’,
thumping in heart/esophogus getting me for touching chest – III
unknown or nothing – V

9:35am – thumping gone up again
1:21pm – thunking on heart goes down for 40 minutes, back up again
2:13pm – just started talking, didn’t even say anything yet
3:47pm – Torture device goes down for a half an hour and is back up again

9:27am – What a long week it was last week. I must have got about 30 hours sleep… I’m not sure. Bah. Anyways, got woken up again to be put on display. This is unacceptable . You’ve been served . o/

Week 242

Saturday

2:02pm – bad blast in right ear, lasts 10 seconds

4pm – thunking on heart better for a little bit, real bad now, and torture on joints much worse

7:20pm – thunking on heart in last hour has gradually gone up. Was doing nothign but playing a game (no text, speech… I don’t understand it.

12:12pm – Thunking on heart just went up. No reason.

2:24am – Thumping on heart much better, much better. Thank you for you help. It is so greatly appreciated. Attacks have been bearable until now where they were just increased. Two attacks for the same action, both on joints increased intensity.
4:07am – Thumping on heart begins again, not sure why
8:29am – started getting attacked or actions I had no idea for. I went outside, doing absolutely nothing, no moving, no talking and got hit pretty good. Come back inside and I start getting attacked like crazy.

typing – ‘akau’, ‘hypnotoad’ II, ‘gtksudo’,
unknown or nothing – I

Friday

2:25pm

The thunkin on the heart got a little better for a short while but now it is almost, if not as, bad as before. Not possible to take anymore.

1pm

The last (over an hour now) the thumking on my heart really went up. The last two minutes it has been unbearble. This came out of nowhere. I have no idea what cause it.

Thursday

7:35pm – thumping on heart goes up, no reason
8:55pm – pounding on heart much worse, no reason
9:05pm – took it for 20 minutes before I couldn’t take it anymore.

Ahhh…. First times in what seems like a long time, I got enough sleep to be functional today. I woke up in the middle of my sleep (usually about four hours into my sleep I wake up anyway) and couldn’t get back to sleep (probably from the anticipation) but after a couple hours I didn’t get thunked on and was able to get back to sleep. Thank you whomever(s) out there that helped me, I sincerely appreciate it.

Wednesday

7:15pm

12:30pm – thumping on heart is much worse
1:06pm – yawning
2:26pm – thunks on heart are hard now, but less frequent
5:20pm – for the last hour the thumping on the heart has been dramtically increasedl. Very hard to function.
6pm – tough thunking on heart goes down… phew
7pm – played game and got killed, just killed

thumping in heart/esophogus getting me for touching chest – III
single word extraction – II

10am

15 hours of sleep in the last 82 hours. To get an idea of how much that is the average person sleeps about 8 out of 24 hours or one-third their day. I’m at one fifth. I’m beginning to hallucinate things at night before I go to bed. Only got five hours of sleep again last night, got attacked for breathing first, but was so tired I was going into a quick sleep when hurt good. The thunking started good after that but one time in there I could have feel into sleep again, but was again woken up. After being poisoned yesterday, I really needed the sleep.

Still attacking the breathing. Even worse they’ll attack a good number of times for breathing after I’ve been attacked now.

Tuesday

10:30pm

Drugged again!!! The we offer you into our all knowing, all powerful, super cult and you didn’t accept/get it retaliation was as bad as I expected. Poisoned again. I retaliated in kind. I’ve felt bad all day today and took every drug did everything I could to feel better again. This is great, so if someone doesn’t understand what I’m saying, my philosophy, it means I can hurt them as bad as possible without repercussion. Thing is, I signaled, time and time again. The only thing I can think of is that as the lady left she said bye-bye (in the typical, be as rude as you can way) and quickly turned around. I signaled but obviously it didn’t get seen. I guess they are trying to tell me they can do anything they want even above their own rules. Thing is I was good the whole time, treated people good, didn’t tell anyone what was going on until now. The handler in the back of the car was a juicer I’m pretty sure. He was clean at the time but as soon as he entered the car I looked to see if I could trust him and I got that head down in his own world again. This is an effect of the drug and those that train the drugs use. It’s a turn off method where they focus within themselves noticing/recalling the effect of the drug and turn off. Literally turn off. Scariest thing I ever saw it was the look an everyone’s faces the day after that lady was killed.

7am

Got groceries today. I actually enjoyed it quite a bit, to get out and all. Got a taxi on the way back and the lady mentioned Rain and so did the other passenger. So this was an attempt to get me in the culture. I thought I did pretty good, was nice the whole time, emphasized certain words… but along the path I said something like, “well, I hope you have two bathrooms” which put a halt to the whole thing. Don’t think she got hurt, it just ended it… or at least I hope. When we got out of the car she grabbed a ton of groceries and it seemed out of place but she asked to take them in the door, she was carrying a good load so I quickly got out the keys and opened the door. I noticed a couple odd hand movements when she got inside (nothing most people would notice but I’ve seen it before). I think that they may have put more bugs in my home and that means more bugs in my body. As it is with Searchlight: offer to do something nice (get a person in the culture [which I don't look at and say, "wow, I want that" ]), and if they refuse do something that ten times as damaging. I hope I’m wrong… experience has told me otherwise though.

Touched as little as I could and vacuumed to the best of my ability.

4:36am

Again forcibly woke up after I stirred a bit in the night. Didn’t keep track on how much I slept but probably around 5 hours again.

A couple ‘what the’s’ from yesterday:

typing – ‘keeps getting’, ‘relabel’, ‘akau’ II, roman numeral ‘I’, ‘esac’,
1:07pm – keeps getting me for touching the chest even though it’s being pounded on.
1:52pm – resizing window
3:55pm – 10seconds on left ball
4pm – reading: notes

Monday

9:45pm

Can’t tell you how many times I got hurt today. The thumping on the heart is better though and I am able to function to a degree. Been attacked alot the last few hours, a good number of the time for things i have no idea (or can have any idea) of. Getting attacked for breathing still, and for touching my chest when the beating becomes intolerable. Funny, Searchlight still doens’t scare me .

10:30am

Got out for a bit today, and it was nice. Don’t get a chance to do this often but just going three blocks I must have been attacked 2 to 3 dozens times (and I dont’ know just for what). Most people were pretty prohibative, got to talk to one person it was nice. The trip back was less painful. I’m back now but the thunking on my heart has gone up a good deal. Too dificult to take.

7:38am

Getting hurt like crazy for doors, got hit five times for one door, then at another got hit again. Just before I made an appeal (only thing I did was walk a few steps) in an earnest ‘what the heck’ type of way and got hurt. Typing this I must have got hit a dozen times.

5:39am

Only allowed five hours of sleep. Thumping on heart starts about a minute or two after I stirred a bit and was pretty bad but was able to go back to sleep again (almost). About 4 or 5 (I think) spikes were put in my heart (thats what they felt like) when I was nearly back into sleep again. The thumping on the heart is two per beat. One right at contraction, one just after full contraction which is what I think gives the odd flutter feel.

Sunday

9:15pm
Thunking on heart goes way up, and the pain they are doing when they attack my joints… no reason. Been good, been quiet… Just told some people what was going on.

2:03pm
Just started getting hit bad in the balls. Very painful… was good for a bit. Now it is very painful

10am
Just got killed for an hour the last hour and a half ago. It’s been better for the last half hour but is still intolerable. My heart is taking alot of damage.

Week 241

Saturday

4:52am – Only allowed four hours sleep after being up for around 36 hours.

Friday

12pm
8am – a few very painful bursts
10am – getting hurt for alot of unknown things
11am – thunking on heart better but still bad
12pm – thunking on heart real bad now

10am
single word extraction – IIII
touching – goggle (even before I could type anything else), keyboard
typing – ‘, ‘moved tab’, ‘define’
saying -
deleting – II
laughing -
thumping in heart/esophogus getting me for touching chest – II
Daze -
Didn’t read – I
breathing – I, after I’ve been hurt
unknown or nothing – V
reading – Arch Security,
keeps getting me for grabbing a drink
gets me in front of kid
7:32pm – four gagging reflexes cause from closing tab.
8:10pm – beating on heart gone up pretty good
8:30pm – beating on heart so bad I couldn’t take it anymore
9:07pm – docking application II
10:32pm – got painful attack in left pinky and grimaced this was followed by a forced gagging reflex. Think what is happening is that when I attacks are physically obvious additional attacks are being added.
3:20am – Thunking on heart turned way up. Three attacks on heart per beat. On at contraction, one mid-contraction and one full contraction. Very powerfull too.

You know it’s not often that I wake up and feel refreshed. Alot of times I can be even more tired then when I went to sleep. I don’t know why this is but I do know that is probably why they attack me so hard when I first wake up – not allow me to get on my feet proper. They did it again today. I was real nice draw a soft but hard line. Took as much pain as I can possibly take, but when things began to be made up, I threw it in. I don’t really believe in this ‘fear rules’ thing anyway .

Thursday

single word extraction – II
touching – quit, disk, keyboard II, next
typing – ‘rename cyberciti’, :q II, revert, yes, my name, one II, y, 1:48am,
saying – fine man, yes
deleting – II
laughing – I
thumping in heart/esophogus getting me for touching chest -I
breathing – II, after I’ve been hurt, I
unknown or nothing – XVI
7:46pm – pain in ears as a bad level
Wednesday
3:22pm – clicks in left shoulder joint when I raise the left arm with the cigarette
3:42pm – three stabbings in heart for one action
3:54pm – 5 second very painful attack on left ear
6:07pm – 8 secons very painful attack on left toe
12am – beating on heart goes up
1:48am – all typing attacks are coming in the knuckles, very painful

Wednesday

Person apparently has given up. Pushing the button for anything and making things up. Disappointing.

Tuesday

single word extraction – III
touching – next or down arrow III, next II,
typing – HOME, ‘on lawn’, gamester, ‘rename part-emach’,
saying – right ball,
deleting -
thumping in heart/esophogus getting me for touching chest – II
laughing – I
breathing after I’ve been hurt I
unknown or nothing – X
11am – Raking on lawn and all the sudden all the attacks were on the shoulders. Why are they getting me for raking?
11:24am – flutter begins on heart, no reason. Thumps when heart contracts, gives it an odd flutter feel.
12pm – Mowing lawn, attacking wrists all the time. Nothing there. Getting me alot of times when I have to push up hills or need extra energy.
7:41pm – Had an original thought. Pretty sure they sent someone after me (a gay dude to get to me) and I thought out loud in a calm reflective tone, “That would be the timing of it” and got a good gag reflexs that went on four times.
7:47pm – Eight gag reflexes in a row… not sure what for.
8:13pm – six time gag reflex
8:24pm – six seconds left eye
Monday
4:13pm – pounding on heart pretty good, no fluttering though
8pm – torture device turned up
9:04pm – torture device repeated burst for 30 seconds on right ball wasn’t doing anything but dazing and holding the headphones.
11:21pm – pain has gotten alot worse, much more sharp, alot of attacks in the right ball
11:25pm – many things being made up now… have no idea what is going on
Tuesday
12:12am – double thump on chest, got worse, no reason
12:38am – even harder now
2:23am – three crippling gagging reflexes now set off sequentially for one action
3:04am – three very painful blasts on front of eye
8:48am – most painful burst in jaw I ever felt when I went outside to have a cigarette
9am – got another just like the above
9:32am – beating on heart increased again
9:45am – torture device hitting nerves is worse, most lasting about five seconds
10:19am – got me for letters instead of the word
10:57am – double beat on heart, one at contraction, one at full contraction

Sunday

1am – Just after 1am and getting hurt pretty good now. Shouted once outside, kinda figures.

11am – Raking on lawn and all the sudden all the attacks were on the shoulders. Had an occasional attack on the shoulder but doing the lawn that was all I got. I remember a few weeks ago when I was playing golf all the attacks were on my hips. What’s going on??? And why are they getting me for raking?
11:24am – flutter begins on heart, no reason. Thumps when heart contracts, gives it an odd flutter feel. Feeling it a bit further it’s two in quick succession. One right before the full contraction. Again this came out of nowhere. I wouldn’t want to think like these guys do.

Week 240

Saturday

Well, almost made it through the week. It’s been a tough week no doubt but it is alot better thanks to so many peoples hard work. I feel a bit guilty (I know I am doing right) but because I know my actions can make other peoples live tougher. In whatever way anyone can help, I want you to know how much I greatly appreciate it. Just one bit of news:

2:45 – Sometimes I’m able to get away for a short bit and laugh. I really enjoy these moments And I found an amusing moment tonight and got a short laugh out. Next cigarette puff I took I got three hits: one in the stomach, one in the knuckle, then one in the elbow. Attacks are very painful right now lasts about five seconds each.

Friday

9:40pm – Just got into watching a movie and relaxed the smallest amount, when ‘couple of injuries but nothin serious’ I got hurt bad, real bad in the right ball. Had me screaming real bad. I’m wondering if they waited until I relaxed a bit since my nerves have been on edge for awhile.

6:34pm – I took it as long as I could. The gag reflex is going off many times now. Just now as I was eating I got a bad one that lasted five second followed by another for two seconds. Very nearly gagged as the food was going down me. This has been happening quite a bit:

8:15am – left on (very painful) left knuckle 5 sec
1:25pm – many attacks now, very painful, many are multiple attacks going three or four times.
1:50pm – laughing
4:41pm – 5 second blast to left ball when first smoking a cigarette
6:12pm – 7 second blast to right knuckle for unknown
6:25pm – 5 second gag reflex caused in esophogus

Attacks for wrong or unknowns:

single word extraction – V
touching – arrow key, dashboard, keyboard III, remote, move to trash,
typing – delete, dirsize, 6:34
thumping in heart/esophogus making me touch chest – IIII
thumping in heart/esophogus getting me for touching chest – IIII
unknown or nothing (stuff made up?) – XXI

3am – Just got done looking for new earphones to buy. My last ones went out on me and so I decided to splurge and get myself a good pair this time. I found the ones I was going to buy and got excited about them and decided to take a cigarette break. As soon as I took my first puff I got hit with a hard gagging reflex that had me crouching over. I was pretty excited about this and they decided to end it. Others followed that lasted about for about 10 seconds. Uncontrollable gasping coughs.

Because of this, I decided to rip (copy) a DVD. This isn’t illegal in say, you can do this. You can’t distrubute it and because I rented the DVD it wouldn’t be real ethical of me to watch it again before I return it. But I’m copying it. I might throw it away after I’m done, I might even watch it again down the road. I won’t distribute it, though Searchlight would probably say that I will. It’s like when I have a drag of my cigarette. It’s easy for people to say, “well, that isn’t good for him”. Anyways, I’m copying the DVD, dam the gods .

Update: Ok, this is illegal. I’m doing a test on it now for fun but will delete it when I’m done.

Thursday

11:34am – attacking happiness. I’m not sure how they detect it, the smile I get, more likely sensing it in my heart, but they are attacking happiness. When I laugh, when I have an inner moment of peace to myself, they are attacking it. The laughing has now been going on for a bit. But just now I walked outside and was particularly please with myself and got attacked much greater when I took a puff of the cigarette and then it kept up for awhile. Doesn’t take a genius to try and hurt someone. In fact, anyone can do it. The hard part is not doing it when you got privilege. I do it. I do it all the time. And will continue to do so. And though I realize that defending myself may hurt your culture, I always look to the source of the problem to get it fixed.

Wednesday

Attacks have become worse as the night goes on. Many attacks come very late (I think – it’s the only thing I can figure out). Still a good number of unknowns. At about 3am took attacks for three hours that were almost like he wasn’t watching. Not a fun night and almost all the attacks were on the balls. Some of the things that happened last night:

typing – ‘fdisk -l’, ‘y’, ‘delete’, ‘percentage rgb’
touching – delete, keyboard III,
thumping in heart/esophogus making me touch chest – II

3:16pm – got to sleep again, and feel rested. Thank you for letting me do so. Woke up about an hour ago and thumping was much better. Intensity just increased a bit now though.
4:48pm – heart getting attacked worse, done nothing
12:32am – thumps on heart now less painful now but twice as frequent. They have an odd irrhythmic beat. One beat as the heart contracts and another immediately following about 25% into the contraction.
12:42am – heart is getting to hurt bad and this put me in a daze where I could think nothing else but it. A few seconds into this, I was hit good in the balls.
1:13am – laughing
1:28am – thumping on heart is only one per beat now, just hitting about 10% before a contraction

1:15am – beating on heart is still horrendous. Still have no idea why it was turned up dramatically at 7:45pm. What can you do? I’d like to think that there is something useful in it, that is has a great purpose. But I know better. Searchlight is so much about what one can get away with. Well, that don’t mean I won’t defend myself. Again, I’d think that they didn’t even like their culture.

Tuesday

10:23pm
Thumping about 70% of what it was before but still pretty bad. During the last half an hour though the joints have been hit pretty good. Person seems detached. Not sure what to do. Tried talking, reasoning… no luck. Had to defend myself again.

7:57pm
Thumping on heart went up dramtically at 7:45, took it as long as I could, difficult to function, hurts very badly. And I can guarantee that their is NO reason for it.

11:14am
Woken up very painfully, presumably for last nights’ defense. Attackes in the balls are very painful. Followed by a good thunking on the heart. And I thought that there was no way they would know that I wouldn’t react. But why would they do this? What good will it do their culture? So it led me to think that subconsciously they don’t like their culture. Trapped inside it, controlled by something else.

Monday

Tough day. I’d probably guess the device is being pushed 1000 or more times. Didn’t signal once . The amount of pain though is so much more incredibly better. Thank you to any and all that made it happen. As the night got on though (it’s actually 12:48am on Tuesday now) the pain got worse in my balls. When I was about to eat kept getting the gagging reflexes. I thought about letting it go (and almost did) but the dehumanization increased and honestly was a bit afraid to try on go to sleep after last night.

The accuracy went down dramatically at night and it came across as someone that was just enjoying seeing this done (I think I’m wrong but didn’t seem to be much of an effort – I hope I’m wrong). Many good infractions that weren’t even code. S few:

laughing – several times
touching – ‘Application Menu’, ‘Firefox tips’, ‘next’, ‘down arrow’, ‘Enter’ II, ‘headphones’
typing – ‘the last’, ‘reading’, ‘the gurus’, roman numeral ‘I’, ‘7′ ‘no idea’ ‘k’ ‘akau’ II, ‘left and right’, ‘that does’ ‘to successfully’ ‘burn anything’
saying – ‘why is that’, ‘no idea’, ‘this is lousy’
reading – ‘disabled ipv6′,

Sunday

10:44am beating on heart is pretty good now, haven’t misbehaved…
1:38pm – attack on on ball very painful, went on for 7 seconds – III
3:15pm – very sharp, painful, attacks on the left shoulder joint II
3:58pm – beating on heart has gone up even more very difficult to focus, I understand no reason for this and believe there probably is no good reason.
6:30 – beating on heart goes down
7:15 – beating on heart worse than before… too difficult to take. Why do they expect to hurt someone and have no negative consequences?
10:18pm – played game again. got attacked in ball many times. Very painful. Please Searchlight. I know you see me enjoy it and made up a reason to attack me for it. But I die and get hurt in the balls? Have you thought that what you are doing is two. Your actions lead to death. Some of the things you do cause fear, and distrust, therefore making a more difficult world for you. You are right life is not death, what result does hurting someone who is enjoying something do? Are you saying that because I am not a three (or anyone that doesn’t sexually rotate/use the drug is death?) Really? I cannot be hurt this bad and not respond. It would do no one any good, including you.

Week 239

Saturday 8:36pm

Doing the game again. Yeah, I just needed a day to enjoy myself. Pretty much sums up to me how they think. Be in the sexual-rotating/drug class if life, if you’re not it’s death. Very embarrassing. Like life can’t be enjoyed not being part of it. Like a person not doing it can contribute. Rose colored glasses I guess. Hurt as many times as you have, this will not change. I don’t believe in this culture. I will not be a part of it and be a slave the rest of my life. This is my life. My choice and the best choice for me. Get off your rose colored glasses and I know you will see the same. I’m always going to do the right thing. And the right thing isn’t close to what the three’s are doing.

touching – 22, edit
typing – akau, restore, be in the,
6:09pm – beating on heart increases, increased even more now

Saturday 4:52pm

Something odd is going on. Getting attacked differently, it’s almost like it’s a new person, and I’m pretty sure they just did it. Nobody has said anything. Getting attacked for alot of things that aren’t code. Played the game again and got it again for dying. Absolutely crazy.

typing – ‘y’(II), akau, ‘edit’ II, ‘getting attacked differently’ ‘nobody has said’
hit in heart or esophogus and touching chest – V
unknown or nothing – IV
heart getting beat on better but gone down a bit since 3:30pm.

Saturday 1:19pm

Device turned up real bad at 12:45, game became impossible to play. There’s more, I’ll post back in a second.

Saturday 11:33am

Playing the game and got all kinds of attacks, all of them on the balls. Wasn’t able to signal with both hands being occupied, no chance was given anyhow. Kept getting me for dying. No sense.

Saturday 8:52am

A few things that have been going on in the last couple hours that aren’t code or done for no reason:

touching – ‘keys’ ‘donuts’ ‘configure toolbars’(II) ‘converting to udev’ ‘disc’
saying – yep
deleting – IIII
unknown or nothing – VI
8am+ – attack pain gone up a good deal
8:45am – thunks on heart are pretty strong now, not sure how long I’ll be able to take it

Saturday 6am

Got woken by thunks on the heart that couldn’t be ignored. Even when I got close, I’d get a good pain in the balls. In the last hour all the pains have been there (except for one just now for typing ‘have been there’).

Plenty of other things last night following 8pm:

Touching keyboard – II
Saying – ‘ok(II)’, ‘it’s valid(II)’ ‘nothing’, ‘you’re pretty cool’
Three steps only, doing nothing else – III
Daze – I
Typing – ‘nothing’ ‘yyyy’(II), ‘p crypt’, ‘video audio’, ‘-s /bin/bash(II), ‘kwrite addakau’ ‘akau’, ‘hitting enter’ ‘#(II), ‘ls /var’, ‘-’, ‘did I ever fix that… no’, ‘no’
touching jaw, chin, and lips at same time – I
Nothing – VIII
9:18-9:48 – many attacks, most on left ball

Friday 8:10pm

Well, I took it all day. I told myself after I was woken up painfully and responded that, “This guy needs a break”. So I gave him one. Got attacked alot today and didn’t do a thing. Hardly said a word. Played ‘Nature Sounds’ because I thought it would be relaxing. Did everything I could. The ladies jumped in about noon (god bless you all) and I thought he could relax, get back together again. But he didn’t. I took it. Took the attacks, when he buffed up for the ladies. When the other nines came on, I was on my best behavior. I took some pretty bad hits. Never responded, never raised an eyebrow. Talked calmly and never broke code. Yelled a few times (more than a few) but held it together. I also did very little, just remaining still most of the time. After 7:30, he just started going off again. I took it, pleaded a good 15 minutes. Stopped what I was doing for those 15 minutes just so he could get his head on again. And so many times doing absolutely nothing, I got attacked. After twenty minutes of being nice and pleading (but never losing my cool), I didn’t know what else I could do. I put on a great show. Too bad. The things that occured today:

8:48am – thunks on heart very bad – unknown reason
Door – many times
Forced coughing – many times, almost everytime I took a cigarette breathe
Touching chest after force coughing – many times
In a daze – III
Typing – ‘X’, roman numeral ‘I’, ‘I libtheora’, ‘url’, ‘#’, ‘distrobution’
Reading – ‘upgrade breakage’
touching keyboard – many times
Speaker volume
Got hit three times for one action – several times
attacks that I couldn’t derive any basis for – very many
3:13pm – beating on my heart increased – no reason
Excluding single words in a longer form – many times

7:30pm+
Relaxing, no sound, eyes closed, no talking – three attacks on balls in five seconds
Saying – ‘no sound’
Relaxed, thinking, no sound, no talk, many more attacks on balls in next 20 minutes
Touching keyboard – twice
Typing – ‘move to trash’, ‘edit’

Mild response.

Thursday 10:40pm

Just got killed playing the game again. Figured out that there are doing it whenever I die. This makes no sense and I have no idea who made this up. But I’m not going to reward it. Getting hit for all kinds of other crazy things too. ‘reward it’ i just type I got hit for, singling out words a couple times, typing ??? Reading ‘won’t set’ and ‘Putting Linux on Parental Control’. Keep getting attacked for ‘application menu’. I can’t read their minds and since they are making up stuff (usually trying to be obscure) I’m not even going to try.

Thursday 9:23pm

The defense before was rather mild and so was this one. I took it as long as I could but the pain just became too bad. Almost all the attacks were on the left ball. One time I got it three times there in six seconds. Many other times were double. Just been real bad since last response. It just looks like to me they provoked an attack so they could do this to me for the last couple of hours. Got attacked a number of times before I could even type another word. Took it for as long as I could.

Thursday 7:54pm

From 7:15 to 7:25 I was playing a game and wasn’t even reading the fast flying text going by. Just playing nothing else. The tv wasn’t on, nobody was talking and I kept getting attacked over and over again. I have no idea what for and am sure somebody was just making up something all the time. I didn’t make any sense. I took it for 10 minutes but then the pain just got too bad. Just typing this paragraph I’ve been gotten probably a good 15 times. Won’t be able to take it real long. Most attacks in the knuckles and a few in the balls.

Thursday 2:26pm

I decided to try and take it today and I’ve done pretty good, but it’s been getting worse as the day goes on. Got hurt real bad two hours ago three bursts that lasted five seconds on the left ball. Yelled a couple times. Mainly responding because the attacks have a greater propensity to trying to find something to hurt for. Clicked something like ‘Done’ and three seconds later did it again and got attacked. Taking a few steps just now got me hurt. And some other things that just don’t make sense like: grabbing the headphones (this happened twice) and grabbing the flash drive. Got alot more, don’t think I need to name them.

Thursday 7:19am

Bad start of day. Woke up after about 4 hours of sleep and about two minutes later very fast (about two per contraction) pretty intense thunks started attacking my heart. Was impossible to go back to sleep. Anytime I was about to go back to sleep, I get attacked again. If I started breathing heavily, same thing. I probably had to endure this about three hours before I could get back to sleep.

Wednesday 2:55pm

Did the lawn again. I usually put this off like the plague. I’ve gotten hurt so badly in the past for it, I find myself unintentionally avoiding it more that I usually do. Actually, I didn’t get hurt real bad for it, but I did get attacked alot. I’d get attack for taking steps back, on curved edges, EVERYTIME I pushed the handle. The handle to which I refer is the drive engage that helps push the lawnmower. And I got attacked for it nearly (if not every time). I’d get attacked for going in straight lines when I was doing nothing different. After that I got hurt repeatedly for raking and then picking up the grass. The whole thing really made no sense. Like I said, I didn’t get hurt read bad, but I responded just for it being dum (and probably some previous resentment).

Wednesday 10am

For a glorious half and hour this morning my heart was not thunked on. My heart is getting thunked on constantly and it is very difficult to focus. Ah, I enjoyed this very much.

Responded again because I am getting attacked for many things that are not even code, and others:

- multiple times for the word ‘next’.
- defined a behavior that didn’t make sense and how it got started and now he is attacking me for any resemblance to that behavior.
- over
- baking tray
- newspaper
- three times for one action all very painful, the heart, the left hip, and the ankle
- nettoggle

Wednesday 6:15am

Had this thought earlier, that the addicts don’t want to be concerned with morales, or the chore of being responsible for their actions. Hey, why hurt the buzz, right? Such behavior does have consequences though and serious ones. I hope and believe that this will be able to be fixed. Looks to be thrust upon me to help do it. Told people what was going on for the following reasons (moderated because it looks like people are trying to do the right thing. Thank you):

- Woken up very painfully after a short sleep
- After I first woke up was made to cough, attacked for the cough, and then attacked again for that cough
- Multiple times hurts (this happened earlier, not sure if it still is). The pattern now is basically is to turn on the torture device (anywhere from 3 to 5 [sometimes 10+]) then hit for another second, and sometimes even another break and then do it again.
- At 10pm for no reason I provoked the thunking on my heart got real bad and had me breathing heavily. Gradually tapered off in about an hour.
- Playing a game even with no text or anyone talking will get me alot of attacks. Breathing became so difficult it became strained.
- Many times just moving my hands on the keyboard (without even typing anything) is getting me attacked.

Tuesday 4:05pm

Just about to got to sleep when I got a sharp pain in the right ball. I yelled in pain and then apparently got another pain in the right ball for yelling. I yelled in pain and got another one.

Tuesday 12pm

Getting hurt for just about anything now. I can’t guess how many times this thing has gone off in the last hour and a half. Most the joints in my hands and wrists are getting very bad. I’m just reading things too and getting attacked again and again. I don’t know what this guy is reading. I have no idea, but I keep getting attack. Several times in a sentence is pretty common. Don’t treat me human Searchlight, do you expect different results?

Tuesday 10:27am

No need to be morally outraged, just some of the things that are going on now:

- Getting attacked at times for deleting
- When I’m forced to cough, getting attacked out of it
- Didn’t read this but think I got hurt for it:
– “Osmos Coming to Linux” — wt??
- Device left on for 30 seconds on the top knuckle of my pinky. Nothing was going on. I have no idea what to think.
- Involuntary yelled a couple times after being hurt, getting attacked for them too.

Tuesday 3:29am

Got attacked three times in a matter of five seconds that had me coughing and holding my chest. The torture device in my esophogus goes off at least twice and keeps me from being able to respond for a good five to six seconds. Got hurt for just taking a few steps a couple times now, wasn’t doing anything else. A good number of attacks are for things that aren’t even possible to know what the person is thinking. Fingers still very soar. The left index finger is particularly doing bad. The pain is alot less though except for the waking up. Will keep trying.

Monday 7:35pm

Woke up as most painful as ever, the first blast had me yelling – a painful burst in the balls. About 20 seconds later when I began to relax again a nine second bursts hit me – first second very painful, then a second stop, the a very powerful three second burst that just kept going up in pain, then another second break, then a two second burst that felt more painful but I dont’ think was. Yeah, I love you too Searchlight. Good morning. Do you honestly thing that just sitting here and taking it is going to make the world a better place? There’s no way that’s even possible. Do you guys really think like this?

Monday 9am

Hitting nerves with the bugs, some are very painful. Got worse as night went along. Again for no reason – treated handler good, didn’t ‘rat’ (i.e. tell people I’m being tortured).

Knuckles are getting hurt worse and worse as the night goes on. Getting attacked for new things. Once it was pressing a close button on my internet browser, last week I found another way to do it without clicking it but the attacks continued. Today just going near it is getting me attacked. Also getting hurt when I touch the keyboard and anytime I delete something. The bug in my esophagus is going off alot too. Uncontrollable coughing that goes on a lot of times for 5 to 6 seconds. I get attacked for my breathing from time to time (a number of times after I was forced to cough). Got attacked twice when just going into a daze and not looking at anything.

When I posted the earlier entry, the device automatically went up. No reason again.

This time though I did respond. I tried, I wanted to hold off till I got some sleep. Please believe me, I did try.

Monday 1:44am

Just got done playing a game and got beat on my heart about as bad as ever and very often, at times having to stop or slow down gameplay. Thumping on heart gone up after 12am but definitely alot worse playing a game. Not responding, seeing if they can fix their own mistake.

Sunday 8am

Got attack good starting at 4:30am, no reason, but they started to attack the joints and bad too. Had me debilitated a good number of times and screaming a few times. At 5:30 it wasn’t as painful but the attacks were fairly frequent, yelled a couple times. At 6:30 there wasn’t much at all but still debilitating at times. At 7:30 the heart thumper got turned up again. First time it hasn’t been on in weeks (except that they did do so for an hour at midnight). Getting hurt pretty bad from the get go. What are they doing? I will always treat people good. But this makes no sense. What’s the point of all this? This is how we start off a week: treat someone real bad and hope for good results. Searchlighters are something.

Week 238

Saturday 7pm

First off, I’d like to say sorry. I think I know what may be going on. When my handler left on Saturday night, I gave a word that “You better be doing good out there, doing the right thing, or I will be sure you do.” I didn’t realize it at the time and I’m sorry but I’m thinking now that it may be possible that he is not to blame.

Just got woken up and it was very painful. I took all the torture today, hadn’t said anything since last night, and now it’s worse, alot worse. I got very painful attacks to me balls (mostly the right) to wake me up, and kept getting them over and over again after I got up. I can’t see how they are not trying to make it alot worse.

Saturday 9:50pm

Still just doing it for anything and everything, still many times just making things up. He’s scared, I understand, but so removed now that I can’t reward it. Don’t think he’s even trying anymore. I can’t tell you how many things have been made up. I can’t go nowhere or touch anything (almost) without him pushing the button. Nothing else to do.

Saturday 8:44am

They are going after my knuckles almost exclusively now. Both hands are very very soar. They continually go after the the index, middle, and third finger the joint attached to the hand. Getting very bad.

Friday 6:37pm

Got hurt just bad going to the store real quick. Got pains in the left thumb joint and left index finger joint, real bad over and over again and I have no idea what for. A gay was sent after me. Real funny actually – a clueless 14 year old. Poor guy probably doesn’t know he’s going to be used for the rest of his life. Searchlight, I win, everytime. You 0, me – millions.

Friday 7:39

Got woken up very painfully. Got attacked yesterday for many things made up.

Thursday 8pm

I took it. I took it as long as I could. I said, I was going to try and take it today no matter what, but he just got worse and worse as time went on. I talked, I reasoned, for the most part though, I just took it. Alot of things just being made up. Not sure why it got worse. Just seems to me like he’s given up now, not trying anymore, and I don’t think I’d be wrong in thinking that. Ladies, go ahead and bug out now. I don’t think it will change his mind and I don’t mind taking it from here. Thank you for the help, very much appreciated. If you stay for him, I’d understand, but I’m gonna have a hard time restraining myself with the current situation of things. Possible better if just bruise knuckles for awhile.

Thursday 1:02am

Looks like I was wrong. Apparently I am still a five. Hmm. I’m gonna keep low today… Dang.

Thursday 12:04am

They did it again. I am so ashamed of them. These ladies were trying so hard to help me and this handler too. And they were doing great, absolutely great, but the addicts kept getting in. They’d come in and threaten the handler time and time again. They’d turn up the torture device behind their back. I mowed the lawn and just got attacked over and over again (probably came on the just kept threatening him). When my parents came up they got me back in the non-homosexual group. And immediately thereafter a lady came over and took it away from me. She said, “Hello, you may not remember me. We’re Jen and Jerry Becker from the musuem party that you attended awhile back.” My parents were in town and I was trying not to make waves. I didn’t know it was an attack (you’re not really supposed to be able to use names). So all there hard work went down the drain. I saw here today, and I just wanted to throttle her (I wish I did). I decided to go up to her and see if she was accountable for her actions. She put on a show and somehow got me with the code. I was nice the whole time. There isn’t a person in there. It was actually one of the saddest things I saw – a drug more than a person. Ever since then the torture has abated (alot). I didn’t realize she had gotten me until now. How dare they treat someone trying to do the right thing so causticity, subterfuging good will and then when it is there turn, play the god. Again, this is very embarrassing. Take a break ladies, they are mine right now.

Wednesday 10:25am

Going off again the last two hours getting hurt alot (mostly on the left ball) and many times for things not even code. Not treating him badly but find myself defending myself alot and being a little curt.

Tuesday 12:32am

Just played my game again. Just needed a break and just got killed again. Not sure what is going on. Text does fly by but I can’t read it because it goes real fast and I’m focusing on something else. Kept getting hurt in the right ball over and over again. Have no idea what is going on.

Monday 4:33pm

Just woke up and I’ve already been hit a good one hundred times, most of them in the balls. I tried to reason with him, paused every time and talked to him: “Let’s work together”, “Do you really want to start the day like this?”. And other such pleas. I was shaving and got attacked for most every stroke over the jaw or cheek. Haven’t got mad at the guy yet, haven’t got mad at him the last two day, yeah, I’ve gotten mad but nothing too extreme.

Monday 6:54am

Got hit in the heart hundreds of times playing a game. It was unreal. There’s alot of text that goes by while I play, most of it just stats and its the only thing I can figure why I got hurt so badly so often. I took it as long as I could and finally had to tell two people what was going on. I’d guess they’d tell me it’s a vain effort to defend myself. I don’t think so. Guess this got them mad and just went to smoke a cigarette where I must have been hit about 50 times. And painful hits too. New ones. Mostly on the stomach, thought, thought I might throw-up a couple times. I learned pretty young that treating people bad I usually don’t get what I want, surprises me still that people (many old adults) can think this way.

Monday 1:55am

Well, since midnight the torture has gone crazy. Been hit hundred and hundred times again. Looks like Searchlight picked the person least capable of understanding right from wrong. Do things to hurt people Searchlight and I have to defend myself. It will get better for no one. Please get off your drug for awhile, I notice it makes you incapable of learning.

Sunday 6:34am

I’d like to thank everyone who helped me have a good week with my parents visiting last week. We got to have some good times, got some much needed sleep to make it all the better, and generally were able to enjoy ourselves. Thank you so much, it means very much to me. You have my utmost gratitude.

New week. 7 and a very young, influenced kid. Given 4 1/2 hours sleep, getting hurt mostly in the balls, yelled a few times.